Advice for My Daughter

Category: Peaceful Life

  • Most People are Good

    Most People are Good

    News travels fast. Bad news travels faster.

    Years ago, news would be presented in 30 minute chunks at 5pm and 10pm. Today it is pumped out 24 hours a day by anyone who has a phone in their pocket. It’s relentless and exhausting.

    A quick look at our screen gives us a glimpse into the bad things that celebrities, politicians and fellow citizens are doing. Faced with this torrential onslaught of negativity, it’s easy to descend into the “what is WRONG with people” way of thinking.

    But I would argue that most people are good.

    How does something break through the noise to become a headline?

    It breaks through because it stands out. News is newsworthy specifically because it’s not typical. It’s not normal. It’s outside the realm of what usually happens.

    Most planes don’t crash, so a plane crashing is rare and newsworthy.

    Most people aren’t corrupt, so corrupt people are shocking.

    Most schoolchildren aren’t violent, so violent kids make headlines.

    The news focuses on things that don’t happen every day. It’s not a view into humanity as a whole, but rather a view into the most remarkable parts of humanity.

    Some people do bad things, but most people are good.

    We each have our own unique combination of virtue and vice, but most people try to avoid pain to ourselves and to others. Most of us worry about our parents, our children and our neighbors. We generally follow basic traffic rules, say thank you to people who provide us with services, and want the best for those that we love.

    As stated by Psychology Today, “We’re a complicated species–both moral and immoral as our environment and physiology dictate. But, mostly the moral dominates.”

    We hold open the elevator door on Monday and quickly push the close button on Tuesday, but most of us aren’t downright evil.

    Most people are good.

    I encourage you to walk into the world with an open mind and open heart.

    Be cautious, but kind.

    Approach every encounter knowing that you don’t know the whole story.

    Be compassionate.

    Offer grace.

    Be a better version of you today than you were yesterday…and if you fail…try again tomorrow.

    And while you are fighting your own battles, remember that other people are fighting theirs as well. We don’t know what we don’t know.

    And as you scroll through your news feed and think to yourself, “What’s WRONG with people?” I encourage you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember all that is RIGHT with people.

     

    Photo by Rémi Walle on Unsplash

  • In Praise of Slowness

    In Praise of Slowness

    Here are a few headlines that I read just today:

    Samsung Galaxy Note9: A Flagship Phone for Busy Millennials

    5 Hacks for Busy Entrepreneurs

    Parents Are Too Busy To Potty Train

    We live in a culture that worships the cult of busy. Somehow, we have been sold the idea that we will be better people, parents or employees if we can flaunt our busyness like a peacock during mating season.

    But when you move fast, you miss a lot. We’ve known this was true since the moment it came out of Ferris Bueller’s mouth:

    “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

    Don’t Miss It

    When you are busy, you are focusing on tomorrow. You are planning which box to check off next. You are driving to the practice, the game, the playoff. You’re thinking about what to do, what to buy, who to call, where to go, how to get there, who to go there with, how it will impact the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. And….

    STOP

    Busyness is the exact opposite of mindfulness. Rather than being present with the child who is directly in front of you wanting to tell you about the funny thing that happened today, you are thinking about how you are going to get this beautiful gift of a child into bed, into math, or into college.

    You are trading in the precious moment of now for the demands of some future moment. And the moment vanishes like a shooting star. It was there…then it was gone.

    Tomorrow isn’t promised to you. The only moment that matters is this one right here. Your husband wants to talk about his day…this day….the one you are currently in…not some item on your bottomless checklist of to-do’s.

    Choosing Slow is Choosing More

    When my daughter was little, it would take us 30 minutes to walk into a restaurant we enjoyed going to because she would look at every single rock in their landscaping. Every rock was special and she didn’t want to miss one of them.

    Everything is brand new and exciting to kids. They crack open their minds and soak up everything.

    Why do they do that?

    Because when you choose to walk half as fast, you get to see twice as much.

    More rocks.

    More flowers.

    More sunshine.

    More neighbors.

    More birds.

    It’s the difference between the freeway and the country road. Yes, the freeway will get you from point A to point B, but you won’t see anything in-between but Cracker Barrel billboards.

    That’s not living.

    How to Slow Down

    I encourage you to choose slowness whenever possible.

    Take the long way to work.

    Go inside the coffee shop rather than going to the drive thru.

    Opt out of the corporate ladder and sit in the middle where the view is still good, but the pressure isn’t overwhelming.

    Listen when your family wants to talk to you.

    Notice how the sky isn’t always blue, but sometimes it’s hot pink or juicy orange.

    Lay on the floor and listen to the peaceful sound of your dog breathing.

    Slow

    Everything

    Down

    Find things that you can do half as fast so that you can enjoy them twice as much.

    They Grow Up So Fast

    We are all familiar with parents saying that “they grow up so fast,” but it takes eighteen years for them to grow up. Maybe they don’t grow up fast, but we are moving too fast to notice them becoming adults.

    Don’t pass up story time so you can log in a few more hours of work.

    Don’t run through the drive through every night when you could cook a simple meal together.

    Don’t trade the private moments at home for the over-scheduled activities.

    Choose to be present.

    Choose this moment right now.

    Choose slow.

     

    Photo by Til Jentzsch on Unsplash

     

  • I Loooooove My Life

    I Loooooove My Life

    Last night as I was putting you to bed, you curled up quietly and said “I looooove my life.”

    And I smiled, because our life is pretty uncomplicated.

    We don’t go on big vacations and stay in fancy resorts, but we do spend every day together enjoying each other’s company.

    We don’t have you scheduled in multiple activities, but we do encourage creativity, imagination and play.

    We don’t go to the mall to stock your closet with the latest looks, but we do let you wear rain boots on days when there isn’t a cloud in the sky.

    We encourage silliness, kindness, singing loudly, hugging frequently, and staying up late when the conversation is important.

    We have sock fights, snowball fights and bread fights. (yes, we hit each other with loaves of bread…nothing strange here)

    We pet dogs wherever we go. We turn up the music in the car and sing loudly without worrying about who is watching. We say I love you…a lot. We eat ice cream on hot days and lounge in our pajamas all day when it’s raining.

    We read and read and read. We make up stories. We share secrets. We talk about our dreams. We cry.

    But mostly, we are just traveling through life together and enjoying this moment, right here.

    And I looooove my life too.

    Photo by Lotte Meijer on Unsplash

  • Let the Ripple Reflect the Rock

    Let the Ripple Reflect the Rock

    The world is an imperfect place. I can assure you, without a doubt, that things will often not go your way. You will hit every red light when you are running late. Christmas dinner will be burnt. Someone will lie to you. You will oversleep.

    When things go wrong, remember to let the ripple reflect the rock.

    When you toss rocks into a pond, the water responds to the size of the rock. Perfectly. Every time. If you throw a huge rock, the ripples will go on for a long time, but if you throw a pebble in, it’s barely a blip.

    When the dog has an accident on the wood floors, just clean it up and move on. Screaming about it really isn’t going to change anything. It’s an easy fix and the dog is completely over it by the time you’ve made the discovery. Fix it and be done. Let the ripple reflect the rock.

    Small things will happen to you every day. Respond to them and get on with it. It’s not natural to let a small frustration continue to make ripples for hours afterward. It’s not how nature works.

    Bad things do happen, but most things are just not bad enough for the huge ripples you are creating in your life.

    You create those ripples, not nature.

    Don’t get me wrong, there are times when the ripples will be huge. When you see injustice, toss in a big rock. When someone you love is hurting, the ripples will linger.

    Make small waves and big ones. Just make sure that the ripples actually reflect the rock

    Image by cotaro70s

     

  • What it Means to Be Rich

    What it Means to Be Rich

    You are rich.

    When I tell you this, you laugh and say that you aren’t. But you are.

    Today we visited The Compassion Experience where we walked through a re-creation of the life stories of children living in poverty.  We walked through their homes and saw the rooms these children grew up in. We heard the sounds of drunk men trying to pound in the door. We learned about child brides and girls dropping out of school at the age of seven so they could work to support the family.

    And we learned that we are rich.

    Being rich means never being hungry. It means that your full-time job is to go to school. It means that you get to choose who (or if) you want to marry. It means that your home is warm when it’s cold outside. It means that you are encouraged to use your voice to help others. It means that you are loved deeply and unconditionally.

    There were children in these stories who were never, ever told that they were loved.

    When you heard that, your mouth dropped in disbelief. Of all the things you saw today, the one thing that was completely outside your understanding, was that a child was not shown love.

    You are loved. You are warm. You are fed. You are empowered.

    And you are rich.

    Image by Zoriah

  • Talk About What You Love, Not What You Hate

    Talk About What You Love, Not What You Hate

    I was scrolling through my Facebook page today and I noticed how frequently people talk about what they hate.

    Ugh. It’s so hot out!

    The (fill in any baseball team) are the WORST!

    (fill in any political candidate) is insane.

    It took 78 minutes to get into work today! The (fill in any local expressway) is horrible.

    And on.

    And on.

    And on.

    None of these status updates make the world a better place to live and none of them will change the way things are. But there is a better way to think…a better way to live.

    Rather than focusing on the things you hate, speak about the things you love:

    Fall is coming. I love sweatshirt weather!

    The (fill in any baseball team) are awesome!

    (fill in any political candidate) is brilliant.

    It took 78 minutes to get into work today! I got to listen to almost two full podcasts!

    Life is how we perceive it and others view you by your positivity or negativity. Why not focus on the positive?

    Nobody wants to hear about your endless complaints. Really, they don’t.

    Grandma always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I still mostly agree with that. If you have something nice to say, say it loud and proud. If you have to provide constructive criticism, do with good intentions. If you have something mean, critical or judgmental to say, it’s probably best not to say it, unless you are offering a solution. Every complaint must also come with a solution.

    Be a force of positive in the world. Be the light in someone’s day. Be the person who never has a bad word to say about anyone. That doesn’t mean that you love everything about everyone…just that you know that it won’t help anyone to scream it across Facebook.

     

  • Appreciate Your Imperfect Possessions

    Appreciate Your Imperfect Possessions

    I was tossing the towels into the dryer today and noticed that some of them are beginning to fray and one of them has some bite holes from when our dog was a curious little corgi. My first thought was, “I should get new towels.” My second thought was, “Why?”

    Growing up, I recall having the same towels throughout my entire life. They didn’t match a specific color scheme. They didn’t follow any trends. They simply made wet people dry. That’s what towels are supposed to do. And they did it well for 20 years.

    My inbox is filled with emails telling me to, “Hurry, This Won’t Last Long!”  “You. Need. This.” or “Fall’s Hottest Trend.”

    And it’s all just stuff.

    I purchased my second car in 1997. A brand new Acura Integra. It was an extraordinary car and I drove it for 17 years. Throughout my years of ownership, I would take it in for regular maintenance. When I hit 100,000, the dealer told me, “Congratulations, you hit the halfway mark!” And he was right. It made it to 207,000 miles and when I drove it to the dealership to trade it in, it started for the last time.

    When I traveled for work, people told me that I “had” to get a new car since my car was a two-door and couldn’t fit many people in it. It worked just fine.

    When I moved further north, people told me that I “had” to get a new car because an SUV was essential. It worked just fine.

    When I hit 100,000 miles, people told me that I “had” to get a new car because mine was dangerous and old. It worked just fine.

    When I had you, people told me that I “had” to get a new car, because a two door wouldn’t work with a baby. It worked just fine.

    Your dad gave me a pair of earrings on our wedding day 9 years ago. They are the only earrings that I’ve worn since. How could there possibly be a better pair out there than the pair I received on our first day of marriage?

    Our society has become disposable. We are supposed to change our pants every season from skinny jeans to bootleg to flares. You have granite countertops? Useless. You should have quartz.

    Change all of your pillows, candles and throw blankets for Christmas. Rip the flowers out of the garden and plant new ones. Get a new car because yours doesn’t have bluetooth. And please, please, please throw away those old towels.

    Or…be thankful for the wonderful things that you have been blessed with…like your washing machine…that will make all of your old towel nice and clean, although not perfect.

     

    [extra advice | beach towels make GREAT bath towels]